In 2017 we found out I was expecting mo/di (identical) twins. It was a shock! I started going in for ultrasounds every other week, which then turned into every week.
At my 32.5 week ultrasound my doctor asked me if they gave me steroids because she was kind of surprised everything looked so good. I was told it’s likely I can go into labor by 34 weeks and on so I was prepared, hospital bag, babysitters on call etc. My last good ultrasound was on a Tuesday, that same week Friday I went to see my midwife, thankfully she got two heartbeats and that was the last time I heard them💔.
That weekend I was very uncomfortable but nothing really new. I didn’t sleep well at night and knew that labor was coming sooner or later so I had my babysitter on call and was very close to the hospital. I had a slight feeling Friday night that I should go in but there were no consistent contractions so I waited it out. Sunday night I definitely felt some kicks.
Monday morning, I realized I hadn’t felt any movement yet. I called in and they said I should come check it out.
Both our precious beautiful baby boys were delivered naturally the next evening, not alive. Weighing about 4.5 and 5lbs with gorgeous thick black hair.
My life has been changed forever and the grief roller coaster is so painful.
I know everything is for the best yet the sadness that fills some days is so hard to live with. I hope that no one should ever go through this and that even more awareness is brought to prevent such tragedy.
Fast forward 5 years and thank G-d, we have been blessed with two more beautiful healthy singleton baby girls. When the second one was born, the postpartum started feeling really strange. Like something I never felt before (and postpartum was never easy for me).
My doctor explained to me that it’s called “disassociating” which is a symptom of trauma. I would be caring for my baby or going about my day, and I would be feeling like I was watching myself.
Then a really hard hit came. A close family member had twins and the disassociating started again, this time 100 times worse. I also was experiencing PTSD. I would feel frightened to the core when in reality I was perfectly safe.
I remember one night shaking and saying “I’m so scared”. My husband calmly assured me I was safe. I could not function properly and my incredibly devoted husband picked up on everything for me.
It felt so yuck and I felt like a useless excuse of a human. I also started to have very depressive thoughts and at one point I shared with my doctor that I was having thoughts that my family would be better off without me.
Healing from all this resurfacing of the trauma took about 4 months. It started with making some adjustments & EMDR therapy. I switched to an intensive outpatient daily therapy group which helped me immensely.
At the time I felt so stuck like I was down a dark road that nobody could get to, no one could understand and no one could pull me out of. Slowly with baby steps, I walked out of that dark road into a warm, light, and comfortable setting.
To anyone feeling stuck in that dark road that feels like a dead end with no way out, I am here to tell you that THERE IS!! There’s a beautiful path waiting for you and at the right time with the right help, you will get there.